WELL SLAP ME SILLY AND CALL ME ______

Finally I can feel the new year

@11:05:00 AM
Posted on Monday, November 22, 2010

It's been so long since I've felt the cycle of a year coming to an end and the coming birth of the new one.

Ever since I've entered poly, the semester systems made me have Christmas and New Years pass by just like another public holiday.

Now that my system is back to the normal year to year basis, it's more cheery to have Christmas marking the end of the year, and New Years signifying the start of the new one. What the celebrations are partly about, isn't it?

So the class deployment for year 2011 is already out. And I found out that I wasn't allocated to follow up with my classes. In fact, I'm not allocated to take up any fixed class. But more on that later.

I guess I'm feeling rather sad. After all, most of the kids expected me to follow em up.

When I went for my student's bbq party (Yes, this is what my social calendar is like now), all of e kids there (and parents) were just speaking on topics assuming I was taking them next year. The kids were even banking on me becoming their form teacher.

Ah...... I feel so sad. The attachment is already there. And I've only taught them for half a year. Sigh.

So anyways, I approached the VPs to question on the lack of classes being given to me. Apparently it was cos I might be leaving for NIE so I shouldnt be given a fixed class to handle. But the course is like in June/July!

Which means. Day-to-day relief for 6 freaking monthsssss?!?!?!

I hate it. It gives me the lack of purpose for school everyday.

I remember when I first came in and was given day-to day relief. It made me start to question my decision on the route of life that I'm taking. I spent my whole June holiday wrecked on whether I should quit teaching. And that was how bad day-to-day relief affected me.

Of course, that was when I was new. But still! I still dread going for relief classes when they are occasionally given to me.

SUCKS.

Praying for a good solid relief class to take care of. Meaning I'm relying and hoping for those teachers going on maternity leave. Then, just nice! Go for my NIE without leaving any students in the lurch when their actual teachers come back!
Perfect plan.

Now to start gathering the due dates of all the pregnant teachers....

That's all. Period.

@9:52:00 AM
Posted on Monday, November 15, 2010

So after all these years past my puberty, I think I'm finally starting to understand the characteristics of my body.

I've realised.

Some months I have cramps and I have them awfully bad. And some months my cramps are non-existent but they traded in for really bad mood swings instead.

It's either one or the other. In either which I get into not a very pleasant mood because in one, I'm in pain, and the other, I'm just not happy.

But I guess the plus side of having the mood swings over having cramps is that mood SWINGS mean going low will go back high again. Going high doesn't really last though cos I get confused on why I am suddenly so okay and happy about things and I dont like being fickle and so I go down again.

It's a tiring emotional roller coaster we go through every month. And it's not as if we enjoy it. So damn all those people who reckon the female species just using menstruation as a valid excuse.

We're all gonna have to tolerate it all in the name of reproduction.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

@10:01:00 PM
Posted on Sunday, November 07, 2010

"Marriage is when a couple falls so out of love, but have no choice but fall back in again."

Tonight, my mum cooked dinner cos my bro had an evening flight and she wanted him to have sth before he left.

Ever since I started going out with Markong, my weekends hasn't been exactly filled with her. I guess she's been letting it go slowly and steadily, but lately starting to really feel that more of the family are leaving.

I think tonight was the only time my mum cooked, and no one sat down to have dinner with her.

I feel so awfully sad, but I'd like to gather that in my defense, I totally didn't know she was gonna be alone. And I offered to rush home if I knew that she was.

She told me that my dad was most likely to come back for dinner, considering he's always nagging at her to get cooking rather than eat out.

So here's the main point of the entire story.

He didn't. Come home to eat, that is.

No call, no nothing despite my mum notifying him about the homecooked meal at about 4 in the evening.

He finally made a call back at an outrageous time of 9pm, asking if my bro was home.

My mum, excreting her anger blatantly but carefully, said, "He went out for an evening flight what. That's why i cooked and early dinner. The one I smsed you about. Why are you still not home yet?"

And the reply that probably would've felt like a slap in the face,
"I ate already. You can keep the food."

And with that, my mum calmly put down the phone, then announced to me: "You see lah, the kind of man your father is. This is just the kind of man he is!"

I can tell you that this is definitely not the worst situation that's happened. My dad is the epitome of male chauvinism and insensitivity. He's the egotistical, macho man a.k.a. man of household, king of the world.

So all through the years, I must say I have grown an utmost respect for my mum's submission to his authority, tolerance, patience and commitment. I think this is a point I will definitely always look at whenever I think of my mum.

In return, because of how few sorries my dad ever delivers, when he does, you can be well assured that it's the most sincere sorry you're ever gonna get.

My dad is one of the most honest, pure, and sincere men you'd meet. And that was one of the points that my mum will coyly admit when she lists down her reasons as to why she chose him.

My parents, I won't say they're a match made in heaven, but I'm gonna have to say they made it work.

The last time I've checked, marriage is not even about love anymore but about the commitment to one another. I love it. The fact that the relationship for the rest of your life will not depend solely on human emotions, cos emotions are such scary things. But by the fact that you'll always have this person next to you.

Haha, enter marriage jokes here.

But the last time I've also checked, although I never aimed to have the perfect guy to complete the match, God happened to let me chance upon him :)

B..B...B...B...Bbbbb

@7:37:00 AM
Posted on Friday, November 05, 2010

BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA BUBBLE TEA

I LOVE BUBBLE TEA!

Everyone's into the KOI craze and I have to admit i somehow rekindled my addiction to bubble tea vaguely because of the craze.

But my reason was other than the lame excuses of 'Oh, the tea is so much more authentic and FRESHLY BREWED'.

Pfft.

Been hearing so much of that phrase when it came to reviews on Koi. Since when did Singaporeans become such tea critics to really taste the difference of FRESHLY BREWED tea. Reviews that state that phrase and expect it to be the most convincing point of the advertisement totally loses me.

For one, I can hardly tell the difference between iced tea from a can and teh ping from the coffeeshop.

What really intrigues me about Koi is the variety and play around Milk Tea as opposed to Fruit flavour - Type of tea - Pearl.

Usually from $1 Bubble Tea shops I'd settle for flavour red teas as opposed to milk teas cos I find fruit with milk is just plain odd.

Sharon used to take some apple milk tea thing and I'd scoff at her for carrying out such a queer order.

But yes, back to Koi.

What annoyed me about Koi is. Well, besides the fact that once you're part of it, you're part of the craze and I hate becoming part of a mass group of people.

It serves the really small pearls which ninjas down your throat with you being totally oblivious to it entering your mouth together with your drink and you feel it only when it forces its way down the entrance of your throat and you choke and want them all to just melt together and form a proper bigass pearl instead so you at least can chew and know when it's coming.

Yes, i abhor the mini pearls.

So, long story aside, this brings me to the point of the Bubble Tea shop i'm supporting and am praying it won't get too popular.

Might be the copycat of Koi, but THEY SERVE BIG PEARLS and that's all that matters.
Their pearls are also sweet and chewy of good texture so terribly yummy goodness.

And yes their tea is also FRESHLY BREWED. (i'm sorry I will always caps this phrase for sarcastic emphasis.)

I've checked out reviews of Q Essential but it seems like it's a rather new outlet. By the way, it's situated in my great homeland Bedok Interchange, right behind KFC.

Anyway the reviews were good ones but there seems to be this Dennis guy, who I think is actually under the Koi company, who would comment on every review saying how this is a cheap imitation of Koi.

Unless you googled Q Essential like I did, I doubt you'd be chancing on the many different reviews on just one brand of bubble tea. Who knows. Maybe he did sweet talk and others as well.

But I still think Koi hired him as a Bubble Tea Spy: Eliminate the competition!

What a cool job.

God-Shaped Hole

@10:12:00 PM
Posted on Tuesday, November 02, 2010

"If your intentions are pure, I'm seeking a friend for the end of the world."

Isn't everyone?

Not exactly for the end of the world. But for the least, the end of our world. The end of our physical lives.

There are times where I break out into panic attacks where I think I will grow old alone. When you feel you just aren't close to anyone anymore and that you're a mere acquaintance to those you think you are close to.

And at your funeral, those who step up to give their eulogies are these people who feel that they should. And their eulogies will consist of recollections from a time far far away where there used to be something in the relationship before it just broke down into a calm deteriorating road.

"I remember we used to....." instead of "Just the other day....."

What morbid thoughts I bear. But hey, this is something at the back of your mind too, isn't it? The reason we make an effort everyday is to mark a spot in the lives of as many as we can. So that we feel a purpose. And if all goes well, it's all so that we can feel needed.

So human.

Just the other day my colleague was just mentioning how she'll die all alone. As depressing as the topic seemed, she delivered it rather lightly. She's a rather optimistic lady, soon approaching the fifties (...sixties?) I think, independent, God-fearing, overall a woman who has embraced singlehood in pride.

But I guess even if you were so full of such character, you will want someone to have to take care of you. And this was when she brought up adoption.

To care and be taken care of.
Isn't that the basis of life?

It's so melodramatic, this subject of life and death and love and care.

But it's been awhile since I got to think about things like that.
And even as I know God is always my Great Provider, I'd like physical company when I'm old and dying too.

So please God, let me die before my hubby does. Hahaha.

On another note, this book is quite an effortless, enjoyable read.
I almost gave up on romantic novels after how i felt authors were just doing the same thing over and over and no new charming content ever came up anymore. I refuse to pick pretty, girly covers that usually shields plain narratives of mundane typical love stories.

But this, this is such a simple narrative and just entertaining enough to bring you page after page. Nothing impressive, but smooth and quick. Stories that take 3 chapters to unfold does nothing less than annoy the hell out of me.

A simple relationship between a girl and a guy, no extreme drama.

Guy is awfully witty and romantic. The sensitive writer/artsy kinda guy. Such a good character to fantasize about, and yet, know that if a guy like this appeared to me in real life, I would totally not go for him.

I guess guys like these are just nice to read about and not really have present in my life as a boyfriend. For me anyway. I imagine there's definitely more to it then what's written of his character in the book. Surely he will cry more than I ever will in the relationship. He will also blow arguments out of proportion because i 'hurt his feelings'.

I don't know. Just speculating. But I'm too man of a girl to tolerate a guy like that.

Anyhoo, I don't have to know. Since I've got the boyfriend I'm most satisfied with anyway.
:)

God, please don't forget the small, sweet request I mentioned to you earlier in this entry.

Time to come back

@9:09:00 PM
Posted on

I guess it's the bottled up feelings.

The ones that you realise you horde because there really isn't someone appropriate to tell anymore. Because there isn't enough excitement about your news. Because you know that it's just life and life goes on anyway.

I read back on my old secondary school posts and wonder how i actually mustered enough right to believe people were going to want to indulge in my daily passings on life. How blogging actually gave me the confidence of a celebrity.

Maybe it just gets harder as you get older. And you start to know. That people are not really caring and that people around you are actually just stone cold. And airing your thoughts out in public would just place yourself in vulnerability of hardened hearts.

Hahaha, all these, and yet I'm here.

I'm here cos I can't keep out of writing. I'm feeling so out of it ever since I joined the teaching career and have exited all means of mass communication. Occasionally I satiate myself with good fiction but feel empty out of not filling out my own story.

What an oppressive entry to make a comeback.

But i guess it's all this formal writing english i have all jailed up. Fear not, I shall only set bail for this entry only.

And yes, i'm back :)

together forever

@10:44:00 AM
Posted on Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Hahaha i'm not even gonna act like this blog has been dead for eons.
Not like anyone reads anyway. Haha hello myself.

So i just saw this recently:

And obviously his status is changed too.
I guess when i saw it i was kinda stunned... angry? But I'm not the least bit bitter or remorseful or something. Think that says alot cos it really shows that i'm okay with him getting on with his life and me not being a part of it.

Also when i try to recollect my feelings for him, it's like difficult to dig up and see why and how i felt so much for this guy.

But i guess i should explain my anger.
My infuriation actually comes from abit of envy of this girl. She clubs, smokes, she was attached to this guy who i heard treats her very well. And there was my ex head over heels for her. And she told him she liked him too. While she was with her bf.
What did she do to deserve all that.

I know, my judgment is superficial. But have some compassion, i speak from the ex gf point of view (I also know that i initiated the break up, yes yes.)

So yes, i'm also pissed that my ex is getting what he wants. I first thought it was all a hopeless cause when he told me about her: smoker, clubber, bf. But well, apparently there are no boundaries for love!

And posting all these on facebook when she just broke up. Isn't it all too harsh?

Come to think of it. I don't think it's from an ex gf point of view. I think if she was just someone I heard about I would have probably formed a negative impression of her. Won't you?

So i guess that's where my anger is coming from.

But i guess the thing that got me to write about all of this... is that this is all not my problem and i'm absolutely fine with it!

I was just thinking over and over the whole of yesterday how i would probably want to make this my problem. Just two months ago I probably would've wailed or cried and be pathetic in front of my ex saying how i still think about him all e time... blah blah blah.

But, nothing. It's like this guy almost has/had nothing to do with me.

and it feels great :)

Blooming onions

@2:03:00 PM
Posted on Monday, November 16, 2009

Such a slack and slow day at work this morning since i've finished most of my work in the morning.

It feels nice though. Knowing it is a Monday and I dont have to do anything I'm unprepared for. The last two weeks started as hell as I came with overbearing Monday blues, having to write stories from scratch.

Went for a posh haircut on a Saturday. Here was my mummy's msg in the morning:

Let's go pamper ourselves this evening. I'll try to book a good stylist
either in tamp or parkway for both of us to look prettier.

I thought of trimming my hair by myself actually, so i wasn't thinking of anything extravagant. After all, if it was gonna be a trim who could tell right?

But I went for it anyway and got a Creative Director cut. Sounds quite cool right.
It was quite an experience cos I came in and he sat me down and went, "Actually when you stepped in and I saw you, I had this hairstyle in mind for you already."

And I mean, it's quite a girly daydream to have someone depict an entire makeover for you and totally change you right. haha I've always wanted to experience that.

So he went all over the salon to search for a magazine that showed the hairstyle he had in mind.

It turned out to be a short-haired curly style... which i suppose is not bad... never really thought of it for me but I mean, who dares argue with the Creative Director right haha. It's nice in a korean cute girl kinda way I guess.

Ah well it also required perming which will cost $259 and also 3 hours of sitting there when I was there at 7 plus pm and the place closed at 8pm.

So he was asking me not to waste my money and just come another time.

But it IS an additional $200 and my mum was rather insistent on getting a haircut there and then immediately cos apparently my hair is a raving disaster.

So... the conclusion to the whole story comes to me looking pretty much the same.

Haha what a total waste of your reading time. PLEASE STILL READ MY BLOG.

Hahahaha.
Because it's even worse if I told you that in person. Now all you have to do when I start a sentence leading to my story is say that you've read my blog and I shall spare you.
It's such a simple yet viable excuse.

Don't say I didnt tell you.

And omg did I say how much of a demi lovato fan i'm becoming.
Sonny With a Chance is actually a sitcom filled with witty lines and fantastic acting. I shall defend it with all my pride!
This was one of her songs that finally got me to openly admit I'm a fan:

Everyone's changing

@4:12:00 PM
Posted on Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hi I haven't died and I know you've missed me.

Okay I speak as if there are annonymous people stalking me on this blog when in fact, one, this is a closed blog, two, even if it was opened there are only the one...two... three of you reading. Hahaha.

I think I'm losing the phase of blogging. As life becomes more fulfilling I feel less bothered about having to entertain the imaginary fans who read my blog.

Or it could also be the fact that because my blog is locked and my comp forgot my password, i have been too lazy to type my username and password for the past month or so.

Haha.

So here I am in an attempt to try reviving this dead and solemn place. I remember wanting to refill the posts so much so that it'll push down all the emo-ness. My blog used to be quite fun... well some posts anyway. Now it's all boring and detailed and sad.

Kinda how like this one is.

Anyway I'm in a weird place now. Where I can actually feel myself changing, whether it's obvious to people around me or not. I know I'm changing, and I'm acknowledging the change, accepting it, and slowly beginning to understand who I am.

I guess whoever I'm made out to be, I trust that God is sculpting the right person He wants me to be. And I feel so loved that he bothers with every single detail of my characteristic and personality.

He could've stopped moulding me when I was in secondary school and I wouldve stayed that rotten kid forever. But He would never forsake me nor leave me and until this day He's changing my life.

He's changing me into someone who could be loved, and more importantly, someone I'm learning to love.

Christmas is coming and I haven't felt so much for this festive season for the past few years.

The childlike cheer is coming back now. Even though all I get for the season is two miserable public holidays. In fact I think 24th is just a half day off right. Sigh.

The Great Big Christmas Giveaway people! Hahahaha your truly will be performing so come see.

Blessed

@6:19:00 PM
Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009

This week was like whoa.
It's only wednesday but it feels like the week's ending already.

I'm way much better from the last post you've been reading.
I've accepted things and also know that God is preparing someone good for me.
It's just puts alot of things into comparison when you realise you actually can have it. Okay this sentence sounds abit weird. Just ignore it.

Work started off on a bad note on Monday.
But i shall give thanks IN everything because He will pull me through. 1 Thess 5:18 :)
And indeed, tuesday was a good day.
Colleagues were all behind me and understanding my situation while the boss was also open to listen. Everything's well.

Also finally met up with Sharon and Yantong ever since we started internship which ended off the hard day on a good note. Next time I shall bring money when we go shopping HAHA.

Although things have boiled down to less work to do, I've been keeping myself busy abit. I don't know why and how but I've somehow been very blessed with how time passes by nowadays.
Also gotten closer to a colleague I used to feel really intimidated by which kind of breaks down some walls and creates a comfortable environment. Only God can perform such a miracle like that.

Verses are now up on the walls of my cubicle to provide me strength as I pass through each day.

This is a boring post but it's just to say that God has been faithful and I definitely feel much better compared to the last post :)

PIctures soon? Maybe?

Heartache

@10:33:00 PM
Posted on Monday, October 05, 2009

So I met him on Saturday, to return him the big puzzle I had framed on my wall.
It's technically his, which i figured might mean more to him years from now if we both moved on and I wanted to clear the room.

We went for lunch, i went for worship prac after, had an hr to kill before going to work so i met him again before he met edwin, henry and kester.

It was all nice and normal and... like how we used to be, minus the hand holding and the playful hitting.

I'm sorry for this rant and whining that's coming up. But I've been down because of this (and pms) for the whole day I really just need to let it all out even if it doesnt make sense because I really dont know what sense it all makes anyway.

But yes and now i'm left all more confused than ever. Not that i'm planning to make a move of reconciliation.
But there's this great burden in my heart. I think mainly cos it felt like he probably still had feelings for me too? Or maybe not. But it was the nice comfortable feeling between us.

And there's nothing else to really describe how I feel except confusion.
I hate to say this, but since my blog is all private now I guess it won't be of great offense that I feel this is my first real break up.

It's so cliche when you hear people speaking of the battle between the heart and the mind but it's so true and it's so strenuous and tiring when it happens to you.

I hate that we broke up so sensibly. Out of sensible reasons.
That he's not christian, that it'll not be good in the long run of marriage, that i'm only his first gf, that we have diff priorities.

But we're so good together.
And although it's one against a thousand reasons, it makes so much sense. And it's so beautiful when I think about it. We're so different in so many ways but together alone we're so so good together. It's so comfortable it's pleasing and peaceful to me.

Is what I'm feeling because I'm just used to him?
Because I miss him?
Is it something I just have to get over?

Or is it so unexplainable because this is what love is all about?